Flashback a la Nez

i cant go out because i know theyre going to swamp me...i want so badly to just go to the bookstore, the cafe...we go and get into a fight, its over i want to tell him, he balks but already knows--he calls my mom 'mom' and its over...we go and its hilarious, i pretend im deaf and we learn some of the signs--she pretends to be my interpretor; everyone stares but dismisses us. theres a guy at the counter claiming he saw cheap trick in concert, then he pauses and goes, no wait, or was it trix? we snicker and cant stop...i told him we had to buy the georgian book so we could have our own language and talk in class so no one will know...the substitute teacher is livid, she says we touch too much, dont we have any decency?...we do a presentation on screech owls and the whole night before it was so funny i couldnt breathe...berger tells me first that john and the gang are taking baseball bats into the park to set him up, he wasnt supposed to tell--i call john and make him call it off, its too brutal. i shouldnt have said anything at the birthday party by the pool, but i didnt know he still loved me. in the car after she died we went out to the diner late one night and he turned to me in the car and said he loved me...i cant go outside, theyre going to swamp me, theyre already calling me, finding me online, coming to my door, i make my mom lie all the time "shes in the shower" "shes not here" why do they all want to be down with me? its such a stupid thing...summer school and i have to avoid him, but along comes the monster and its growling, a big white car, maybe it had another name. he almost runs me over when im hiding by the tree. "do you want some coffee?" eventually i go down to Ithica with him to stay the weekend and my boyfriend is upset. "i dont want you to go." but i dont care...shes closed herself off to me and cutting out of the dream, so i have to find someone else and i lean on him instead...the music means so much, im willing to follow it anywhere...im a kid and listening to him speaking on the phone, low in the other room, what sadness in my heart, fear and sadness and i dont want her to know; i start keeping secrets...i cant sleep at night, everything is scary and lurking in the shadows, i cant sleep at night most anywhere, especially not there or there...i make my mom sleep in the room with me and one night across the street we all go to watch a movie...he and i are getting along just fine and he walks me home. i know when he does it that its special; i lay down in bed and hear his leather shoes scraping the road outside as he walks back and my heart is different--it means something..."hi" i say to him, hes looking at my mom, "hi"--I cant recall if he called her mom. if he did it was from habit...we're sitting peering down into the green river while guys pee into it further down; we're talking about everything thats important. people are dancing but i left to talk with him. he came all this way, a couple thousand miles, hes worth it. on the way back to the car we're laughing and dave gets behind the wheel. b is in the back her head lolling against the seat and repeating how deep the beer was in the bar "up to my ankles," "up to my knees," we laugh and ask her how high the beer was...her boyfriend was hitting on me but i couldnt say anything--hed have come to me first but i rejected him; when she dumped me for him i still never told. when i told her he cheated another time, 2 years later, her reaction was bad enough...the lights and music and people dancing, we're all pogoing as high as we can and i lose my balance and rocket back onto paul's lap, im terribly embarrassed; i brought her along because she has no friends and shes talking to g in the back about his metal posters...he goes out into the back with me and asks me how old i am. he really likes my miniskirt. it belonged to her but shes dead now and here some rec label guy is hitting on me. shed have laughed. b warns me to keep away but im interested. the 3 of us walk out to the tracks and i tell him when hes having troubles to hear the train roll by his house and put his problems on the train. he stares at me and says its helping. later we park up by those tracks and watch the train. hes jealous of "my boyfriend" and we sing "Everyday" by buddy holly all evening...the lights are blaring down and people are throwing coins; one hits my cymbal and i smile. later i find out who threw it. the boys are all gawking and offering to carry my equipment. we take some time out for autographs and i sign everything "Buzz the man with the plan". im signing old drumsticks, paper, hands, anything people have; we divide up the money and we get 30$ a piece...im signing more autographs after school, the kids, it seems like hundreds, have newspapers laid out on the sidewalk and we're down on our knees signing near our pictures, theyre too many and im too busy to relish the attention...he and i walk out on the 4th of july down his block and see the fireworks--we were on a break but the feeling was still there...shes putting medicine on her toes and im making fun of her...i tell her if she goes to China to sing for the dignitaries I'll disown her, or something like that; i was always saying something like that...we're laughing too hard to present so the teacher says we can record it at home, nothing funny is even happening but we're called the 'giggle sisters', the '3 muskateers'...she lives in a trailer and when i call her shes crying because her dads beating her; i stay on the phone, i dont know what to do--shes got a poster of Axl in her bedroom and lives by a lake..."we're already big with the high school kids" he brags to me in tech class. i say ill give it a try but im not so big on berger and hes not so big on me...its scotland im in the train station and i call him up to tell him that word has gotten out about who im seeing and im crying because no one believes me and i want everyone to get it off their minds, its none of their business and i never wanted it to be a big deal; then she calls me into her room and says "we want you to do this" but she doesnt understand that i would never use him that way, that i could never...im supposed to be meeting the Bs but i get sidetracked by him instead; hes jealous i got Ks autograph and asks to see it; i cant believe it, but in a way i knew it would happen this way...