2005

I wonder if I'll ever get to a point where I won't care at all about EG? Probably not. I wouldn't even want to get to that point. But it's going to be mighty hard to juggle my feelings concerning EG, and then if I get married, my husband, or if I become a nun, that whole lifestyle. I'm sure it would work out either way, but some mornings, like this morning, I just get to thinking.
Maybe I'm thinking too much. I started talking to some random Nigerian online and he warned me about Nigerians being clever. That got me thinking because Ikenna had said the same thing. FC had said the same thing. So, yesterday, when FC started mentioning his school project again to me, I snapped. It was too much. I didn't quite accuse him, but I launched into a defensive attack, about how we "needed to get things straight between us," how I wasn't going to help him do anything, etc. The only 2 times I can recall doing this type of thing was 1) during my 3 day attack on D to break up, and 2) last year around this time to FC, when I got angry that he didn't seem to want to date me. Now, this last attack seemed to come out of a growing anger about him not being here. I don't care if it's his fault or not, I'm still angry. I'm sick of having semi-boyfriends! So I let him have it for a while, it was like an enraged force had taken me captive. Then, I was fine. I cried myself silly, he cried, and then we changd the subject. I ended up getting him a birthday present and he kept apologizing to ME. That's just the kind of guy FC is. I rant for an hour about nonsense and he says he's sorry. He really ought to find himself a nice girlfriend and leave me alone. Yet, I am nice to him most times. I'm just a meanie to those I really really care about...bad habit. I'll have to grow up. Thank God for the Atlantic that divides us, or else I might have done something even stupider.
I still have to deal with EG and all those emotions that won't go away. To make matters worse, just when I figured I'd forgotten all that, I had a near encounter with "him" on New Year's Eve. Soon the Atlantic will be between us as well, though, so I'll have another few months to figure this puzzle out.
In other news, New Year's was AWESOME, my best EVER by far.
Today my cousin, whom I've never met, is in GA but I can't find the willpower to pick up the phone to call him. That, however, will entail me somehow explaining to my uncle why I didn't do so. Ah hum. I don't feel like doing anything today but talking to FC online and maybe watching a movie with E later. Maybe if I quiet my life more I won't have so many weird outbursts.