Here I Am, Lord

Imagine every time you consider going outside you become terrified. You need to get groceries but you wait till the last possible hour because you know something awful is going to happen at Kroger. You'll wreck the car. You'll pass out and hit your head. Everyone will know you're strange. Going to Kroger becomes an obsession. You dream about it. In the dream you buy every item you need and can't believe it's all so easy. Then you wake up. You haven't left your house yet. You're me.
Yesterday was another one of those days. Thankfully, my errand buddy popped up and motivated me to go. I hadn't even showered or brushed my teeth. But I'd been hyping myself up about it for several days. I'm reading Brian Wilson's autobio where he talks about overcoming insanity and drug abuse. He had a Dr. Landy to help him 24 hours a day. I don't have a Dr. Landy but then again I'm not battling insanity or drugs. So, I got excited. I was going to walk into Kroger and not freak out. If I freaked out, I'd let it happen. Let the Kroger shoppers have something to talk about.
We went and I didn't die. It was fine. At the checkout the lady saw my Pope keychain and we started talking. We lamented how ill he's been and told each other to pray for him. She's from some country near Croatia.
Then we left and ran other errands. I was still alive. On Prince Ave. CJ pulled up next to us in his car. I hadn't seen him in forever.
"Where are you going? Let me follow," he said. We pulled into a parking lot and got out. CJ was working with J that day, a blind girl he helps out once a week. He'd suggested I work with her too but I can't even leave my house.
J was awesome. About my age and wearing a fuzzy black overcoat, we started chatting as if we'd always known one another. I'm always at ease around people with disabilities these days. I figure, they can't get weirded out by me! J said CJ had been talking about me a lot.
"I want to work for you, too," I said, and then I launched into a brief description of why I can't. I told her stuff I rarely tell my closest family members. I was just so comfortable, and CJ already knew some of it. J understood. Every day is rough for her.
"What are y'all doing now?" I asked.
"We have choir practice then church," J said. Then I remembered that she sings. CJ sings also. I sing.
"Perform something," I suggested. It was cold out and the traffic whizzing by was loud. J made a hesitant expression but CJ, always the entertainer, prodded her on. They began singing a hymn from church.
"I the Lord of sea and sky, I have heard My people cry..."
I couldn't believe it! My favorite hymn! I joined in daringly.
So there we were: a blind girl, a rocker and me looking like I hadn't seen daylight in days, which was true. We were belting it out in the most secular of environments and I knew almost every word. Had it been any other tune, I wouldn't have known. I don't listen to lyrics. But Here I Am, Lord, I know downpat.
I told CJ to pray for the Pope and J and I discussed all getting together for dinner just for fun. What a great day. I should leave the house more often.