Forget that Girl

What a day. I got up early to go with D back to B's house. The whole family was there...including some white people I'd never seen before. The girl was crying. Avi said, "That's Anne" as I walked in, but it meant nothing to be. In a back room with D, B explained that Anne was BYN's to-be fiancee. However, the girl didn't even know it yet; the family hadn't dropped that on her. Anne couldn't stop crying the whole time we were there--I felt incredibly bad for her. It was her first time meeting her boyfriend's family and it had to be around his funeral.
Tomorrow the funeral will take place. I'm wondering if it'll be a military one with the flag and the gun salute and taps played. It very well might be. He's being buried in the veteren part of the cemetery.
D and I hung out for a short time afterwards. What a strange situation. We haven't spoken in months but there we were, joking and talking as if nothing's happened. I guess that's how things are with someone you've known as well and for as long as I do her: no matter WHAT you do to each other, you'll always get along in a certain way. She probably despises me in one way, but still "loves" me in another. After all, we were best friends for 11-12 years. On the other hand, I backed out of being a bridesmaid at her wedding with 10 days to go. It was a long story...very long. Anyway that's just not a little glich one can overlook.
I was talking to JP the other day and he asked if this meant D and I would be seeing more of one another in the future. I didn't even hesitate to tell him no. I won't even call her after the funeral tomorrow. But then I hastened to add: "But that's not how I'd like it. If it were up to me, we'd go back to being close friends, seeing each other all the time. I'd like to hang out with her, keep up with her life, and call her often." But you just can't go on doing that if you're not wanted. How do I know I'm not wanted? Because I know her better than I know myself. She's the type that can have a great time with someone, laugh, kid, share inner emotions, etc.--and then still come to the conclusion your past flaws will forever taint you. It's just her. No matter what I do or what I say, I'm forever blackballed from her life. It's not just the wedding. It's a lot of garbage going back several years. Isn't it sick how a best friend can turn into such an arch-enemy? I wish I could change the things that happened, but I can't turn back time. Regret is one of the worst emotions I have ever felt. There are a lot of things that I would alter if I could time travel, but some of the problems she and I had would have to hover right near the top 3 or 2 slots. Not that everything was my fault--no way! But it always takes two to battle. In other news, I wrote a pretty good song last night before sleep which is promising because although I've been converting poems and psalms into melodies a lot lately, I haven't been writing many of my own lyrics--not for a couple weeks.