An Open Letter to O.

I've already written O. two emails this week so I hardly dare to bog him down with another. But if I could, it would certainly start off this way:

What a day. The mechanic told me that my car isn't worth what he could put in it to make it a truly safe and drivable car, so this means I need a new one. How to get the $? I need a car to work, and I need the $ from work to buy a car. The whole thing is very complicated. I keep asking myself why everything has to come down and be a big deal all at once like this. I remember a month ago when **** wasn't going ****** and the prisoners seemed all right and I was on schedule with my courses and I didn't **** ****** and J. wasn't asking me to do a million things a week. Etc. And things weren't so vague and complex when dealing with the human brain. Really, I hope things return to that state, and I know they will, but I'm growing anxious waiting. I'm always one to talk about morality and even lecture on it, but some problems, especially when they're mashed together in a hectic way like this become so unbearable I find myself ushering them away so quickly I hardly know the right thing to do at all--much less do it. Like this evening, for instance. **** was ******** *** again so I called *** and had them take care of it. But when the time of crisis arose, I just sat there thinking, "This is annoying. This is too much. I have things to do. I can't be bothered." And it was true, I did have things to do, but once upon a time I would have given my all, maybe even my life. So I'm compromising morals in my pressure, and I don't even know if that's wrong or not.
At Liturgy/Mass and with the Mysteries/Sacraments, everything is so clear and brilliant. I know how to act, what to do in any situation. But sometimes at home, like tonight, I get faced with a problem and I say, "I don't understand. I'll take the easy way out." And I do.
Then there's the matter of school work. Both Cardinal F.X. and St. Josemaria teach that a student's vocation is to be a student. Work hard. Study hard. Pass your classes. So this is what God wants of me right now, to pass these classes. But on a night like tonight, when one of my friends is only God knows where doing only God knows what, I just stare at the pale light of the computer and my mind drifts away. I open a book and my eyes don't focus. I just keep thinking, "So much is happening. Will I handle it well? Should I be doing something else right now?" And so on all through the night until I'm sleepy and I decide it'd be better to take a crack at it in the morning. But then morning will come and problems will arise and it will be evening again until I have time to consider...and it all begins again.
At times like this I wish I had your motivation, your toughness. You are tough, you know that, don't you? You've lived through some real bad times and you've come out on top. I know I'll live through this too, and hopefully I'll come out unscathed as well. But until then, this day, this week, this month, I'm just a little wistful and more than a little disturbed.
So there's always Psalm 42: "Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God."