Everyone's together

Everyone's got a boyfriend. How awful. How nice. I've got a boyfriend. He's thousands of miles away. He's farther away than that one guy I sorta wanted as a boyfriend, and that guy was really far away. It wouldn't be so bad if not everyone had a boyfriend or a husband. Then I probably wouldn't even mind not having one close to me. Actually, wait, no, I'd still want him because he could:
1) kill bugs
2) take out the trash when the possum's around and E's not
3) play with my dogs and go on walks
4) play chess in person
5) watch funny movies
6)play video games
7)cry with me in person
8)laugh with me in person
9)go to Mass with me in person
10)make me food (he can cook!)
11)sing Immaculate Mary with me
12)pray with me
13)ride horses with me
14)go shopping with me
15)a million other things sweet Catholic boyfriends do