Missing Jessica

Today I got sentimental so I looked up some of Jessica's old emails to me that she had written back in Feb. about a week or two before she died. It really tears my heart out for some reason. I've lost longtime friends before, either to car wrecks or to the death penalty, sickness or old age, people I've known a lot better than I knew Jessica. Yet for some reason, her death is the hardest on me. Maybe it's because she had epilepsy, but it's got to be deeper than that. I think it gets worse the more I know of her family and the closer I become to them.
It's almost like I'm living the life she SHOULD have lived. Yeah, I know, that's a common feeling--after Aymi died I had nightmares for years about me surviving and her dying and me feeling guilty about it. But Jessica's different. She actually did want to lead the life I'm living, in detail. And she was my age and she had epilepsy.
I never gave her the time of day when she was alive. LG introduced us and I was all for hanging out when she came back to GA, but that was around the time my internet was being weird and I'd go to E's house and email her but I couldn't really take my time like she did. She really put a lot of thought and heart into her messages. Then we did the radio show and she couldn't tune in because of an appt. but she was really nice about it. I should have listened to her more. Now I read those emails and I think, Wow I want to tell her this, or, I bet she'd understand if I told her about what I'm going through now. Cuz I read her emails and realize she was dealing with the same stuff I was and am, but I didn't invest the time in the friendship that I should have.
I had done something similar to Kenyatta before he died, which is why I still can't shake my regret over him--but with Jessica, it just doesn't seem real that she's gone and no matter what I do, I know I can't find any peace about it.
But this isn't about me and how I feel. It really is about Jessica--her talents, her big heart, her incredible willpower to keep on when everything was stacked against her. I know when someone dies everyone launches into these speeches about how special they were and yadda yadda. But with Jessica, she really WAS unlike anyone I'd ever met. She really was someone I could have connected with in a major way. She really does represent, for me personally, someone unique and gifted and--wow! a force to be reckoned with. She was tough. Not "I'll talk big and scare everyone into listening" tough but inwardly and outwardly tough, with a great sense of humor and a true talent to tell a story.
Could she tell stories! LG claims the funniest thing he's ever heard was a story told by Jessica about her working at the movie theater.
Even when she was telling a sad story or one that should make you angry, there was always humor weaved in there, always a really casual, "this is how it is" type sytle that relaxed you and made you smile.
Even when she was getting picked on, even when she was sick beyond belief, even when everything was spinning out of control and nothing was going her way and it seemed like the world was out to get her. She'd go on about all these things then conclude, "It's not a good world but I cope w/it."
She did more than cope! She never said anything like this to me, but I get the feeling she almost willfully defied the odds. Like, I'm going to have this many seizures in a day? Fine, I'll go to Japan, to New Zealand, to GA, all over the world, I'll work at the library, I'll make a million plans, I'm going to live live live! Or, okay so everyone wants to mock me and spit on me? Fine, I'll go to college anyway, live in the dorms anyway, make a bunch of friends anyway, let everyone start with a clean slate anyway!
So what can I do now that she's gone? I sing the song I wrote for her, I read her emails, I talk to her family and friends about her, I check the site her mom runs for her on the internet, I cry, I have dreams, I look at the cross her mom gave me that she used to wear as a teen, I pray. I think, if she had lived her we would have done this, we would have shared this, and so on. I think anger-tinted thoughts about the UGA School of Art for not accepting her, especially when I look at her pictures and KNOW they're pro-quality. I miss her especialy in times like these when true friends are hard to come by and I check my email and don't have anything from her except the ones I saved at the beginning of the year.
RIP, Jessica, you're famous, girl, you really, really are.
Now you get to hang with the greatest stars....