Memorial Day

Watching: CNN
Reading: A Farewell to Arms
Feeling: Scared of my personal future
Wearing: PJs

It's funny how one can be so against war and so supportive of the troops. But it's possible, because that's how I feel. I know so many people in the armed forces and I know that by and large they are decent people, wary of battle and eager to change the world for the better.
But I always remember that though there have been just wars throughout history, still, "every war is a defeat for mankind" as Pope John Paul II said. Memorial Day, for me, is a time to remember the just and unjust wars, and the soldiers who have fallen in each--members of my family and circle of friends, as well as strangers.
It's also a time to pray for the very many universal victims of war--the children, women, innocent civilians who have simply been in the wrong place at the wrong time. In a special way we can't forget, too, the families of the soldiers who have died--and the families of those innocent victims.

Well, my visit up here has been very hectic and eventful to say the least. I can't possibly pack into words all the stuff that's been going on but I did get to see my grandma in PA and thank God she is doing much better! Truly this is a miracle and I praise Jesus and thank you all for your prayers.

I've gotten a bit sick at the moment--mainly my stomach is upset. It's become quite a bother and I'm sure my nerves have been partly to blame.

Scenes from My Visit to the Our Lady of Martyrs Shrine in Auriesville, NY

A statue of St. Rene Goupil standing in the sacred ravine. Somewhere nearby his relics are buried, the location known only to St. Isaac Jogues. The cross in his hand symbolizes that the saint died on account of his making the Sign of the Cross on the Iroquois child.

A prayer placed near the martyrdom sites of St. Isaac Jogues and St. John Lalande. Note the indulgence of 300 days.

Today this plaque stands after the last Station of the Cross, which leads the way towards the site of the martyr's holy death.

Shrine to Our Lady of the Wayside off the path to the holy ravine where St. Rene's body was maliciously dragged after his martyrdom. Our Lady's title here is based on a particular shrine in Europe, so called because it was located off the main street in a side-alley.

Three crosses in honor of the 3 great saints of North America: Goupil, Jogues, and Lalande.


Church in the Iroquois style at Shrine of Our Lady of Martyrs, Auriesville, NY. A statue of my patron, St. Rene Goupil, in the foreground. He was the first canonized martyr of North America, killed by tomahawk blows in this place for making the Sign of the Cross on an Iroqouis child.

Update from NY

Please everyone, pray for a very special and holy woman who passed from this life into eternal life last week. :( Words aren't enough to explain how I feel on this, for so many reasons. But I am confidant of her salvation!

I know this won't come as a big surprise but...I'm moving to LA!!!
I emailed in my confirmation to the nun in charge...finally, finally, after taking my sweet time and running this up to the very last minute (don't I always?)

My family isn't thrilled about this site choice. East LA is after all one of the most gang-infested places in the country. But I'm sure I'll survive....Pray for me!

I've been busy as a bee since I got up here to NY. There's so much to do about so many things.
Tomorrow is the rehearsal for my friend's wedding, then Saturday is the wedding itself. After that we should be going to PA to visit more of my family, and most importantly, my sick grandma.

One of my family members did that DNA thingy and sent it in to these researchers and apparently part of my family comes from Macedonia. The plot thickens....

Here I am in chilly, dreary NY! From GA to Update NY is always a strange trip. The contrast is insane. This city has the least amount of sunlight in America. People up here suffer from depression and vitamin D deficiency. Down South--well, it's the South!

Anyways, it was nice to finally spend Mother's Day with my mom, for the first time in 6 years. But a terrible thing tainted the day: someone very dear to me lost his mother, a saintly woman who always had nice things to say about me and my family. I will miss her and her family will too. But I'll be praying to and for her since I know she is clearly in heaven.

I'm getting ready for Ukraine...I still don't have the plane ticket but all the volunteers who are going have met up via email and they all sounds pretty much...well, like me.

Hollywood

"...to go back to that fork in the road takes all the strength that I have and more..."

Thanx for the Ride

What's been going on lately:

I just came off of 2 really bad days, wherein everything (except the really important stuff, thank God) kept going wrong. But I survived, hurrah!

My toilet now appears to be breaking AGAIN.

A crushing, major blow has been dealt to an important relationship in my life, yet somehow it makes sense in relative context.

It seems most likely I will be moving to East LA for a year starting this summer, and getting 2 weeks break around Christmas. There are still remote possibilities I will, however, go to a rural desert immigrant town near El Paso, or Phoenix, Tucson, or maybe even Baltimore.

Thursday is my last day at work (bittersweet!)

I leave for NY on Friday and shan't return until July (the way things are now)

I should be in Ukraine for the last couple weeks in June; but an opening has been made for the July program too, so although I'll most likely have to decline that, there's still a slight chance I'll go ahead.

There's not enough time to do everything I need to do before leaving Friday! I haven't even told half of the people I know I'm leaving. It snuck right up on me.

Google Earth has been happening and helping me make decisions.

I've been working about 1/3 more than usual the past week or so. Yowza!

I had a traumatic experience with 2 dead salmon at work the other day and my meat-eating endeavors may have been pushed back a few months. Icky, icky.

Read an article in Athens magazine at work about Georgia's version of Bigfoot. He's called Swamp Ape!

Michael Nesmith on my CD player in the car. (Sorry Neil Young, you were booted.)

I feel sort of like I might have once felt long ago in a distant place, but maybe I've never felt this way before. It's a light, airy, wistful feeling, almost as if I am spirit alone. "I feel like it's my first time high/Moving closer to clearer skies." (Thanx for the Ride)

Moved in a little closer to a person I had almost willfully forgotten about. Maybe this is a part of my new future?

I want a ranch out in the Western desert, a little place in Athens to call home, and plane tickets every month or so to take me around the world. Sometimes, anyways.


Thanx for the ride, y'all! I'll be back before you notice I've gone--Athens hardly blinks when its children run away; it happens so often.

Earth and East LA

Google Earth has become my new friend. I love it! I can spend hours just roaming the world looking at Victoria Falls (it whups Niagra's tail!), my mom's house, L'viv, Papua New Guinea, the Marshall Islands, etc. Also it was helpful in figuring out how East LA looks, Phoenix, El Paso, Tucson, Santa Fe and more. You can even visit the Grand Canyon. Furthermore, I found out that Death Valley and Joshua Tree National Park (2 places I need to see!) are both really close to LA; also LA really is in the Mojave Desert, which makes me all the more happy about the fact that.....I probably am moving there! I had my interview with the East LA program a couple days ago (3 hours long--whew!) and they like me and I told them I'm 90% sure I'm coming. But I still have an interview with Phoenix tomorrow so you never know. And to make things even more confusing maybe I'll just throw in the towel and decide to not go anywhere at all. Now here's the thing about East LA--this is where infamous Hollenbeck is (gangs galore). But I'd be living in a convent (no nuns though, just the volunteers) attached to a Hispanic church, and they've had no problems before. My job? Working in a very poor Catholic school 5 days a week and perhaps getting to do some prisoner work in the evenings. Yay! My favorite parts of the interview had to be: 1) when I told Sister J. that something friends complain about with me is that I often commit myself to something I really can't do. (Like say, "Yeah, I can do that" but then not do it at all.) Sister was like, "OK you need to open the Bible and read it on your own time. It's called honesty." Whoa! 2) When I asked her if there was any work I could do with gangs in East LA and she sounded confused for a second then said, "Well, I mean, you're right in with the gangs!" I love Sister J.!!!

Running Skeleton

http://www.coasttocoastam.com/gen/page1429.html Ha ha ha! This is the funniest thing I have seen in ages! Please visit this and note especially the way the skeleton is "running"--his "smile" and the way his arms are jutted out in front of him. Also note the way the lady writes about it, so calmly. She's not freaked out at all by this and is merely curious about the creature. I can't believe she felt she could get away with this; and what's sadder is that there probably is someone out there right now saying to his buddy, "Hey man! Check this out!"

Ogopogo-sized Confusion

Still filling out applications if you can believe it. Every program has pros and cons. Take OSA Academy for instance. They will send me to grad school to get an education degree for free. Drawbacks: it's outside of Boston and I'd need to stay for 2 years or longer. Of course Boston is my favorite city North of the Mason-Dixon but 2 years there?
The Vincentians will take me to LA but they still haven't found me a placement.
The Cenacles will take me to Tucson but my job description seems kinda vague.
Holy Cross will take me into Phoenix and fulfill my Sonoran daydreams, but again the job descriptions are vague.
The Jesuits will take me to Phoenix also as a 4th grade teacher in a Catholic school but 4th grade is a little young for me.
And then the Capuchins will take great care of me and give me that wonderful Franciscan community love I always yearn for, but they want to put me in Baltimore. Gram Parsons might have loved the streets of Baltimore, but I don't think I will.
LAMP will let me evangelize to my heart's content on the streets, but it's in the Bronx. Could I get much closer to "home"?
The Assumptionists will allow me to work in the deserts of Southern NM but I don't know Spanish and I'd be miles from anywhere.

Sigh, sigh and double-sigh. Sometimes I think about just waiting until the "perfect placement" arises. Something in Tucson evangelizing or teaching in a Catholic high school. But that could never happen and if it does it could mean delaying everything a whole year. I'm already 24. I can't wait forever. Grad/law school might very well await me after this, or even a couple years of service overseas. Blah and blah. I think I've hit stress level # 5 today. I'm getting the applications in finally but I haven't moved an inch closer to understanding where I need (or want) to be.
All I know is that I can't shake the desert for some reason and if there's one thing I've learned about myself it's that when I get these urges, they don't go away till I satisfy them. I daydreamed about the South for 5 and a half years until I just packed up and moved here. I never left and I still don't think I'll ever really leave. I'm coming back. And if the desert becomes my second love--well, I'll just have to rent 2 apartments, won't I?
I have to mention that absolutely none of this (my seemingly random desires and plans) would be possible if my mother and Eddy weren't incredibly supportive. I'm only able to do any of this because they both have sacrificed so much to make me happy. There isn't space here to list how much financial, emotional, mental and spiritual support my mom gives me; as for Eddy: how many friends do you know will just say "Sure!" if you tell them, "I'm leaving for a year. Take my dogs and my apartment, drop everything in your own life, and let me do whatever I decide"??? Neither of them regularly read this weblog, but I want to say "thanks" on here anyways.

Tigers and Bears (yes, yes: Oh My!)

I've learned a rough lesson: sometimes a tiger just can't change his stripes. You can paint him all black and pretend they aren't there, he can roll over in the dust and imagine himself solid. But the fact of the matter is, whether we want to accept this or not, some people just don't change, for whatever reason.
Some do, of course. I wouldn't have devoted the last several years of my life to death row work if I wasn't convinced of that fact. I wouldn't even bother calling myself a Catholic if I didn't believe in the forgiveness of sins and conversions. But in the past 2 days, I watched 3 movies that all seemed to (ironically) bear the same theme. And they struck me.
First I saw the remake of King Kong. We all know that story.
Then I saw Grizzly Man and Capote.
I had to watch Capote because TC is at times my favorite author in the world. And In Cold Blood is at times my favorite book in the world. The movie follows TC as he goes to Kansas to research the book. He meets the death row prisoners and the movie does a good job of showing his indecision--he needs the 2 to be executed so he has an ending for his book and can release it soon. But he grows attached to the men, especially Perry, and almost wants to cling to them much longer. At times in the movie you wonder if he'll become their greatest advocate. But in the end, though he does seem to make a brief conversion of heart, TC withdraws and selfishly desires the men's death for the sake of quick literature. That tiger kept his stripes after all.
Grizzly Man. What can I say? This is a documentary almost entirely filmed by a now-dead man, Tim Treadwell. This (I think, and I feel it's obvious to all) emotionally disturbed man lived for 13 summers among wild grizzly bears and eventually died at their jaws and claws. It was exactly what he wanted, as he reiterated over and over again. The point is that he made various mistakes. In the film you can see him talking to the grizzlies as if they were pets or baby humans. He crosses the line between wild and civilized, and forgets that he is human...and that they are beasts. Had Tim lived, we could have watched these clips in wonder--but knowing his demise, we can only say that all along something had been rotten in the state of Denmark. The bears were always bears and Tim was always a man.
Depressing? A little. It's hard to see those harsh realities spit directly into your face like that. I've been in a funk ever since. Because while I obviously know that rules of thumb are made to be broken and challenged, there is truth to them in spots after all.
In my life I've seen miracles--people changing right before my eyes, surprising me and filling me with awe. But I've also noticed those who, despite how hard I try to reach them, always remain stuck in the same pits I found them in. And myself--how many bad habits I've tried to break only to find them rearing up in my face again years later.
Only God's Grace can save us, it's true. But it's not for me to understand why or how some are saved, and others not. Why some tigers never change their stripes while others, miraculously, ascend despite them.

Well, I wrote a long and interesting post to go here but just deleted it out of fear of confusing everybody. So instead, allow me to perform a little tap-dance to go here:







What? You couldn't see that? Well you missed out big-time let me say. I had hand routines and everything to accompany the dynamic feet.
In other (and slightly more normal) news, y'all should join me at My Space since it seems that's where all my net-pals have moved to.
And in more (and hardly different) news, I still haven't finished all my applications. That's what I'm supposed to be doing right now in fact. Watch as the Amazing Me shirks all obligations and daringly walks the precipice between Present and Future! Will she fall off the edge and be doomed forever?

yesterday at work we went to a Russian concert. These 5 Russians sang numerous songs of the Homeland, and in predictable Slavic style, remained heartbreakingly aloof afterwards! Ah, my people, how I love them. They would have greatly offended me had I not understood. Slavs just don't mingle with others. If only they had known I too was one of them...but there was no time to explain....

Current Mood: Calm after the storm...placid and content