Whimper whimper sigh swoon ugh

Sebby called me tonight even though he's got to get up at 5:30am to leave for NYC. I was really happy to hear from him, since we've been playing phone tag for a while now. I was going to call him today but figured he'd be busy packing. He was, but cared enough to call me. I really am shocked. Also, weary as he was from packing, he allowed me to rant at him about various things (one of my favorite hobbies) after he filled me in on all the cool things that were going on with him. It turns out that Jim C. and friends put together a big going away party for him in LA and it was really touching. I know he has mixed feelings about going back to NY, but he will be closer to me that way and I fully intend on attacking him when I see him.
But boys are confusing! He and I both KNOW we have a lot in common, and when we talk it's obvious we're close and that we trust each other. He really gets me giddy too, so not only am I at ease around him but I feel like I have a grade-school crush on him. Probably because I know I can't have him. See, one of the major things keeping Sebby and I apart right now (other than the fact we don't live in the same city) is that neither he nor I know what we truly want for the future. Sebby's got about the next month planned out, and he's 99% certain about his vocation, but I keep wondering about that 1% chance. And even if that 1% involved him dating someone, what are the stats on it being me? He claims I'd be next in line, but I know me: I get weird around guys I actually care for, so I'd probably find a way to back away anyway! Ah well, I just thank God for Sebby, since he's a good friend to have, even though he's as unpredicatble as I am and I can't place anything about him for certain. Maybe that uncertainty is a part of what I like about the situation: he doesn't make me feel boxed in, he doesn't try and control me, and he makes me feel very special without seeming like he's using me. Obviously, he's not using me for sex! And that's a big relief and probably BIG REASON # 2 why I feel so safe with him.
This Sebby saga will probably go on for a while, but I like it. It gives me the security of feeling that perhaps there's a special guy out there for me, but it doesn't pressure me into any commitment.
Stayed up all night talking to K, I know what this sounds like but honestly, he's just a fun person to talk to and I have no plans of pursuing that. I do worry about MS though, since I have no idea what he thinks our friendship is and I really don't think I should be pursuing THAT road either, regardless of his inclinations.
It sounds like all I think or care about is guys! It's not true, but I have found that the less I was able to leave my house this summer, the more I started calling people and really delving into people I otherwise would have been ignoring. So it was a blessing in disguise and I feel I found deeper friendships that way, even though I wasn't going downtown partying every night. Actually, I probably founded those friendships precisely BECAUSE I wasn't going downtown partying at night. You can only learn so much about a person while shouting at them over loud music, drunk people talking, and coughing on account of the cigarette smoke.
Plus, half the people I've been getting closer to are female so that proves I'm really not out on a man-hunt. (Love you L and Z! Even you, SH, though I was weirded out by your last email!) :)

Missing Jessica

Today I got sentimental so I looked up some of Jessica's old emails to me that she had written back in Feb. about a week or two before she died. It really tears my heart out for some reason. I've lost longtime friends before, either to car wrecks or to the death penalty, sickness or old age, people I've known a lot better than I knew Jessica. Yet for some reason, her death is the hardest on me. Maybe it's because she had epilepsy, but it's got to be deeper than that. I think it gets worse the more I know of her family and the closer I become to them.
It's almost like I'm living the life she SHOULD have lived. Yeah, I know, that's a common feeling--after Aymi died I had nightmares for years about me surviving and her dying and me feeling guilty about it. But Jessica's different. She actually did want to lead the life I'm living, in detail. And she was my age and she had epilepsy.
I never gave her the time of day when she was alive. LG introduced us and I was all for hanging out when she came back to GA, but that was around the time my internet was being weird and I'd go to E's house and email her but I couldn't really take my time like she did. She really put a lot of thought and heart into her messages. Then we did the radio show and she couldn't tune in because of an appt. but she was really nice about it. I should have listened to her more. Now I read those emails and I think, Wow I want to tell her this, or, I bet she'd understand if I told her about what I'm going through now. Cuz I read her emails and realize she was dealing with the same stuff I was and am, but I didn't invest the time in the friendship that I should have.
I had done something similar to Kenyatta before he died, which is why I still can't shake my regret over him--but with Jessica, it just doesn't seem real that she's gone and no matter what I do, I know I can't find any peace about it.
But this isn't about me and how I feel. It really is about Jessica--her talents, her big heart, her incredible willpower to keep on when everything was stacked against her. I know when someone dies everyone launches into these speeches about how special they were and yadda yadda. But with Jessica, she really WAS unlike anyone I'd ever met. She really was someone I could have connected with in a major way. She really does represent, for me personally, someone unique and gifted and--wow! a force to be reckoned with. She was tough. Not "I'll talk big and scare everyone into listening" tough but inwardly and outwardly tough, with a great sense of humor and a true talent to tell a story.
Could she tell stories! LG claims the funniest thing he's ever heard was a story told by Jessica about her working at the movie theater.
Even when she was telling a sad story or one that should make you angry, there was always humor weaved in there, always a really casual, "this is how it is" type sytle that relaxed you and made you smile.
Even when she was getting picked on, even when she was sick beyond belief, even when everything was spinning out of control and nothing was going her way and it seemed like the world was out to get her. She'd go on about all these things then conclude, "It's not a good world but I cope w/it."
She did more than cope! She never said anything like this to me, but I get the feeling she almost willfully defied the odds. Like, I'm going to have this many seizures in a day? Fine, I'll go to Japan, to New Zealand, to GA, all over the world, I'll work at the library, I'll make a million plans, I'm going to live live live! Or, okay so everyone wants to mock me and spit on me? Fine, I'll go to college anyway, live in the dorms anyway, make a bunch of friends anyway, let everyone start with a clean slate anyway!
So what can I do now that she's gone? I sing the song I wrote for her, I read her emails, I talk to her family and friends about her, I check the site her mom runs for her on the internet, I cry, I have dreams, I look at the cross her mom gave me that she used to wear as a teen, I pray. I think, if she had lived her we would have done this, we would have shared this, and so on. I think anger-tinted thoughts about the UGA School of Art for not accepting her, especially when I look at her pictures and KNOW they're pro-quality. I miss her especialy in times like these when true friends are hard to come by and I check my email and don't have anything from her except the ones I saved at the beginning of the year.
RIP, Jessica, you're famous, girl, you really, really are.
Now you get to hang with the greatest stars....

Voting is No Problem

This is the 3rd time I'm attempting to write this post without Blogger kicking me off. Sigh.
In short:
E and I voted early today, went to PO, ate at Wilson's, took dogs around the block (full body workout!) then let them romp in E's backyard. E and I came back here and chit-chatted as if we were better friends than we are. Last night he and I even talked on the phone for 2 hours about cool stuff, as if we were genuinely interested in each other's lives. Wow. All I know is that:
The Red Sox won the World Series, LG, E and I are up and active before noon, and the moon had a total eclipse. Twilight Zone material.
Chuks is online, woo-hoo!
L and Z will probably make it back through GA for December, and I really hope our traveling schedules allow for us to see each other again!
Tonight is going to be pretty monotonous, unfortunately. Oh well, it'll give me a chance to catch up on some reading.

Other Me

"Oh no! Don't you see what's going on here? All my life I've been looking for me!!! And now I've swept myself off my feet!"--Jerry Seinfeld

Just talked to Sebby online for a couple hours. Sigh. That guy does something to me. I get all giddy and want to attack him. Don't know if that's a good thing or not. Hmm. He'll be back in NY in about a week, getting his old job back at Starbucks. Now he wants to send me chocolate from there plus a photo of him with Jim C. He'd better do it. The thing about Sebby is, he really is ANOther Me. We have everything in common (except he loves the Yankees and I love the Braves) but the scary thing is: since we ARE each other, could we ever really be WITH each other? I mean, I like myself all right (apparently), but would I really want to date me? I'm unpredictable, I can't make up my mind, and I'm all over the place. Me x 2 could be the disaster of the century.
Thankfully, dating him isn't really a serious reality since he will be up in NY and I haven't moved there yet; but what if I do? And what if...?
Aw, shucks! These Sicilian men are killer!
I really irritate me sometimes, grrrrrrrrrrrr....

Voting

Most of my friends think I'm voting Kerry and a few are convinced I'm voting for Bush. I took an online political quiz by the Libertarians and the results were actually pretty accurate. They called me a "centerist" who favors gov't funding for specific programs but doesn't want Big Brother to go overboard. Considering how crazy people are getting over this election, I think I won't reveal who I pushed the button for until 2008, if then. No, I'm not doing a write-in or voting for a third party. Yes, I love Farenheit 911 and no, I don't consider Kerry a Catholic.
I didn't vote early today because 1) I didn't get a chance and 2) I had to look up the SPLOST referendum again before going to the polls. Also, I like Blake Tillery's radio ads but I won't be voting for him since he didn't return what I consider an important environmental questionnaire to Athens Grow Green. Also, he's a young Rep. who gives me a frat boy vibe. I do respect the way he replied "I don't know" to the feral cat issue, however, and I think he's got a decent chance. One day I'd like to run for local office and get some stuff done, but I think I ought to do some growing up way before then. :)
It hit 78 degrees here today supposedly.
I don't know why Blogger is having issues posting my "Lynchpin" entry, sometimes it comes up and sometimes not.
Time for din-din--Aloha!

Lynchpin

Hung out with LG, L and Z all night and had a great time. I didn't have to play the song. We sat at Hot Corner and leafed through a scrapbook for J for a while and strangers kept wanting to join our conversation. Almost bit some guy's head off when he mentioned Catholics not using birth control. I really am very outspoken when I'm not feeling well. We laughed hysterically at LG, he was talking about "The lynchpin of Southern GA ecosystem is the gopher turtle" and then L and Z knew it was funny how he had strapped the stuffed bunny to the skate years ago and wheeled it under the limbo stick. Then Z ordered a Tarpin ale at the Grill and I said there should have been a picture of a foot behind the turtle playing banjo, ready to lob it. I wish E had come; L was talking persuasively about managing a 6 week tour in Japan and New Zealand next summer, then doing SXSW in 2006. I hope they like the CDs.
H called a couple times while I was at dinner and left another message. I got an email from him and I can't explain it, but his emails sometimes rub me the wrong way.
Go Sox! Game 1 down, 3 more to go if we sweep it.
Breakfast tomorrow with LG, L and Z before L and Z leave for Texas; I'll be sad to see them go. They felt like family the first time I met them. I really wish J had moved here and I had gotten to know her better.
We saw some racoons and feral cats at LG's house later; Z and I got right up to the racoons before scaring them away. I like doing stuff like that, just being with people I like so much and talking about stuff that no one else probably cares about.
P was funny, too, I felt like we had a glow on us that everyone wanted a part of tonight--it's that "J magic" I think.
L made me feel good by saying they had a chance to meet the band after the concert but they skipped it to get some rest and drive to Athens to see us. I really didn't know what to say.
It was cool talking with V all night, too, even if it messed up my sleep schedule even more. He's really not so bad, and I look forwrad to seeing him next week.
I need to walk this fine line between overdoing it on myself and not pushing myself enough. Tonight was the first time since early July that I was able to just hang out for several hours outside the house, go to restaurants and such. I feel very satisfied about it.
Downtown hasn't changed--I find solace and staleness in that concept.

Skynard!

OK so I must be PMSing big time because the other day I cried to a Skynard song. It was like the time I started crying to a bad Elvis song and then I just started laughing because I realized how hysterical that is! Anyway L and Z are coming in tomorrow from Texas, and they're driving all the way from Nashville and couldn't even get a room in Athens so they have to stay in Winder. Eek! So LG and I really have to make it worth their while. To be honest, I'm looking very forward to seeing them again, I know it will be fun like the last time, however I just hope I'm up to it. I warned them in advance that I was agoraphobic all summer so--plus, they have dealt with this before on account of J.
Last time, they gave us photos J had taken before she died and it was really touching. We didn't know they would do that. So this time I burned 2 CDs of my own songs since L seems to like the ones she's heard online. It's not much, but I think it'll be cool. I do feel hesitant about playing them the song I wrote for J though. Whenever I'm sad I've noticed I write upbeat songs and vice-versa. So, after J died I put sad lyrics to a happy tune--probably so I didn't get so depressed. Now I've told L I wrote the song and she insists on hearing it. I hope no one thinks it's disrespectful. I'm going to alter the lyrics a little. I don't know how I'll feel if I have to play that song live for all of them, especially since I knew J the least.
I'll miss the first Sox v. Cards game but it'll be okay. E will come over and watch and update me on it all.
Small argument between he and I tonight about the Bill O' Reilly thing. Neither of us is a fan but he takes it overboard. Sometimes I just need to quarrel I guess and he does too.
I'm going to try and vote early, probably on Monday, so I don't have to wait all day in line on the 2nd.
All week has been spent on legal work and trying to figure out what to do about the nuns in PA. Also, heard from Sebby which was pretty neat, although we've been playing phone tag forever now. He's "other me" so virtually everything I do, he does--ergo, not really calling me back half the time.
I don't know what to do about this Orthodox boy. He calls me a LOT and I actually like the attention but I think I'm starting to take him for granted. Plus, I really don't see a relationship ever happening between us, so maybe it's best to just taper it off now? Yeah, just another tactic of mine to weasel out of caring for someone!
Another long entry. It's 530am and I need to get to bed. I don't know how I'm going to wake up for L and Z tomorrow.
Also, my "limey" is giving me some more attention now that he's going to move over here. I brought him into a chat room with E and Ems and I think it irritated him a bit. E and Ems can be tough to impress and most of the attention was focused on the three of us. Ah well, he'll get over it!
Yeah yeah, I know, for someone who's got no romantic life there's a lot of boy news all the time. Just something to keep my mind off reality! :)
S is online, he's up too late, too. I really hope I can get some music going with him again now that he's back in Athens. I still think he's the most talented musician I've ever met--I DO get somewhat competitve around him though, which I need to stop. I have mixed feelings about music right now anyway.

Testing for the prisoners

Well hello there everyone. I know I'm already on Live Journal and I hardly ever post there anymore--however I figured I'd test this one out as well. I already set on death row prisoner up on Live Journal but if this site is easier I'll put him or another one on here. Go to www.livejournal.com/users/osirisabuameer
So I'm joining the ranks of "Bill Clinton" and "Andy Kaufman" on blogspot, eh? :- )
So I titled this Viva il Papa! I've been thinking about the Pope a lot recently. I just had a talk with one of my uncles who studied in Rome and met the Pope a few times. Apparently, on one occasion Papa came to my uncle's seminary in Rome for a visit and brought a white goat as a gift. It was great because they got milk from the goat and kept it out with the chickens. However, the seminarians next door claimed the goat was too loud and made my uncle's community get rid of it.
Me: But didn't they know it was from Papa!?
My uncle: They didn't care who it was from! It was baa-ing all night and driving them crazy!
Also, once when my uncle's seminary was meeting the Pope, Papa was walking down the line shaking everyone's hand. No one was saying anything because there's a silly unwritten code of conduct that dictates you don't speak to the Pope unless he speaks to you. Even then, you end it quickly so he can move on. Anyway, he got to my uncle who was dressed differently than the others since he's Ukrainian. At this Papa looked startled and pleased and said, "Ah, ukraino?" So my uncle said yes, and then when Papa turned to leave, my uncle said, "How's it goin'?"
Papa spun around and smiled and said, "Ah, ukraino americano!"
Then my uncle got reprimanded later by the Italian Monseignor who was with the Pope. In broken English, Monseignor scolded: "You no say, 'How's it goin'?' to the Pope!"
At another time, my uncle's seminary had been invited to Papa's private chapel for a private Mass. Papa kneels at the front on a kneeler. My uncle was supposed to sing. So he began but he was nervous because Papa was there, so he began awfully off key and the provincial whispered harshly in Ukrainian to him : "Stop it, stop it! Papa's holding his face!" And sure enough, Papa looked miserable! But my uncle kept on until the provincial hit him with a big book!
My uncle's also my godfather. He's one special uncle let me tell you! For all the misery he caused Papa during his two years in Rome, he did get ordained by him eventually and concelebrated Mass with him (at every ordination, the new priests get to concelebrate with the bishop.)
Anyway, Papa's been on my mind, especially with his 26th anniversary recently. It's just so moving to see him bearing his sufferings courageously and inspiring the world. He really will be called Pope Saint John Paul the Great!
Viva il Papa! Viva!